Picture of the Day - WTF HOW DO I FIX THIS? YAR.

Apparently when you sleep on victory rolls, you get the perfect Farrah Fawcett curl. But only on one side. LOL

Picture of the Day: Obligatory Post-Bath Snapshot

I look like a doofus, but I don't care. Rocking out to the Cranberries "Zombie".

Everyday Musings: A Little of This, a Little of That

I'm not too sure what to write today, so it's going to be a mish-mash of just about everything. Mostly complaints, but this is my everyday life, really. So a snapshot, if you will. I tried a random blog topic generator, and got the topic "eating out." Uhhh...too easy. :-P

I finally got a long soak in the tub today. Win.
Doing laundry and packing and cleaning. Win. But doing it all by myself. Not so win.
Pandora seems to have a great soundtrack for my day. Win.
I'm still too tired to do much - not so win.


I started the squat challenge that's been going around, but changed it to the plie' challenge. I'm gonna get back to dancing if it kills me.

Sorting stuff for the yard sale and moving and whatnot. Just ugh.

That's about my day. Since I was left with a song, I'll leave one for my Love.

Lost

I sometimes feel I am neglecting my darling. I just get so wrapped up in the Hell that my own world has become, that I forget there is a sweet girl out there craving my attentions. I want so badly to wash away her doubt, but how can I when I feel so lost myself?

I don't know how else to say it, so I leave the words of Dan Brown to do it...

Lost

Lost in a world, that scares me to death,
Lost in a crowd, I'm losing my breath.
Lost as a boy, lost as a man,
I need to grow up, don't think I can.

Lost as a person, can't find my way.
Lost in life, every day.
Lost in worry, who am I?
All my life, I've lived a lie.

Lost to kindness, lost to love,
Lost in a sky, like a new-born dove.
Lost in thought, which I shouldn't do,
It winds me up, I can’t get through.

Lost to comfort, all kind words,
Lost to advice, it isn't heard.
Lost to those who really care,
All these people, always there.

Lost in me, I need a break,
Lost in wonder, which road to take?
Lost in a place I don't know well,
Where are you now? There's no one to tell.

Lost here, all alone,
Lost apart from the mobile phone.
Lost still, there are no calls.
I'm struggling alone, to break these walls.

Lost in mind, lost in soul,
Lost memories, they're just a hole.
Lost family, lost mate,
Gone now, yet I'm full of hate.

Lost in a straight world, and I am gay,
Lost now, for what to say,
Lost in boredom, think I'll leave.
There's a lot in life I need to achieve.

Picture of the Day: Intimacy

This picture calls to mind a variety of things, mostly comfort and freedom and the ability to feel at ease with one another. Something I am so very desperately craving tonight. So....picture of the day. Enjoy. -Squeaky

Freewrite: Rainy Night

Spring is a tease - she keeps flitting in and out of my life with ease, bringing me right back to the coldness of winter. Tonight, though, she keeps me company. The windows are open and a light rain sings against the rooftop, calling my name and making me want to wander to places I know I shouldn't be in my own head.

These are the perfect nights for snuggling up with the one you love, and I wish so desperately my Love were here to share it with me. These are the perfect nights for a long walk in the gentle mist, for long, wet kisses in the rain and a romp through the woods, muddy and perfect with Mother Nature.

But I'm here, alone. I'm cleaning and packing and trying to work out what I'm going to do without any help. I don't have anyone to cuddle up with - even the kiddo is gone to her Nana's. I'm here all alone and the thoughts inside my head are driving me insane. Now, more than ever, I need that love and those cuddles and to he held and told that everything is fine. That reassurance that I'm not just some disposable plaything. That reassurance that love really is there.

Because despite the wonderful weather and the beautiful night, where I am in my head, it ain't pretty. -Squeaky

Picture of The Day: The Feels, I Has Them

I figured my Love could use a little cheering up, so here's a cat getting attacked by a bunch of plastic dinosaurs. Rawr.

Freewrite: Redefining Home

Right now I'm in the middle of a move and I've realized that I don't exactly have a stable thought on what constitutes "home" for me. When I'm here, home is 500 miles away where my family and friends are. When I'm there, "home" is here where my husband and animals are. When I'm pragmatic about it, "home" is wherever my loved ones are, and those I love are scattered about. When I'm being a little more nostalgic, "home" is where my heart lies - in the middle of the north-central PA wilderness with my horses and the last trappings of my adolescence. So where is home for me? Do I actually have one? Do I actually want one? Do I need one?

Ideally if I were to have a home, I would buy up a large tract of land in Northeastern PA and buy up a bunch of trailers and create a compound for my family and friends to all gather around and be close, sort of like a modern day commune or camp. But everyone else has other plans and nobody would actually buy into the idea, so it's a moot point.

Secondarily I'd like my home to have space for animals and my animal rescue endeavors - enough place for a sanctuary and a boarding facility.

Most of all, though, I just wish I could make a home with my loved ones. My husband, my Love, and any others in their lives. But it'll never happen. A girl can dream though, right? -Squeaky

30 Days of Submission: Day 30

30) Is your need to submit being met? If not, or if your situation changed, do you think that you could continue in your life and still be happy/content if you were never able to express your submission in the way that feels best to you again? What makes submission special to you?          

Despite the trials and complications of my current relationship, I'd say my need to submit is about 50 percent fulfilled. It's hard with a long distance relationship - I can't be there for her in the ways I want to be and do and help and serve. I don't think I'd ever be content in a relationship where I couldn't at least express my submission somewhat - it's that deeply a part of who I am. And for that reason, it's special to me. -Squeaky

Picture of the Day: Retail Therapy

So I was feeling a little down earlier (long story, I'll tell you when we talk, I suppose.) and needed a little retail therapy. So I went and picked up a brand new shirt and panty set. It looks like this (well, the panties do), and the shirt is black (of course.) And for once I'm actually wearing a shirt! -gasp, shock, surprise!-

Now to keep them nice so I can tease you with them when I finally see you. ;)

30 Days of Submission: Day 29

29) Is pain or humiliation (spankings for example) a part of your submission? What is your relationship to it? Do you embrace it as a part of your submission, tolerate it as necessary or have some other type of relationship with it?

Pain and humiliation are very much turn-ons for me, so I like them to be part of my submission as well. Obviously inflicting pain is hard for my Love right now since she's so far away, but humiliation is doable and has yet to be explored within our relationship. Right now I'm focusing on doing the best I can to BE the best I can for her and be what she needs. -Squeaky

Picture of the Day: How I Write

You've been boobed! Enjoy your trip, Love! 

Mistress of the Hunt

She stood in line with the others, shivering through her thin white shift in the chilled May air. It was supposed to be warm that night - it was always warm on Beltane. But thanks to global warming, or maybe just the anticipation of the night, Faye was cold. Standing there in her simple shift and a pair of sturdy boots, she eyed the crowd.

It didn’t take long for Faye to spot her: the object of her affection. Firelight danced across her leather as she seemingly and without care adjusted the laces on her corset. Her boots were long and the knife at her side glinted ominously. Her red hair sparkled like a precious gem. She was the very vision of the Huntress Goddess and Faye let out a breath she didn’t know she’d been holding in.

It was the night of the Wild Hunt. Faye and the others would be let loose into the woods and whosoever captured them had the option of letting them go for better prey or taking them as they saw fit. Faye only hoped that her Love would get to her first. It was a gamble, but it was all part of the ritual and mystery of the holiday, and the prospect of being taken excited her.

A horn sounded once, and the participants stood at attention. It sounded again, and the line of prey began running for the woods, giving them a head start. Faye ran with the crowd for a while,

Her shift tore and snagged on the leaves and Faye quickly discarded it, knowing full well she was leaving a trail with which to find her. She didn’t care, it was a hindrance to her running and, though it provided a little protection from the cool night air and searching tendrils of fresh plants, she’d rather go without it.

Faye broke from the crowd and headed toward a grove of poplar trees, hoping that their quaking leaves would cover the sound of her footsteps. Stalks of multiflora rose scratched at her skin, leaving dark red welts and bloody lines. She hoped it wouldn’t lessen her beauty in her Love’s eyes, that is if her Love actually caught her.

She eyed the moon, full and lush like the belly of the fertility goddesses they were celebrating that night. So caught up was she that she didn’t notice she was being followed until a firm hand encircled her forearm and another was placed over her mouth so she couldn’t scream. Her boot caught a root and she tumbled, supported only by the weight of her mysterious captor. A masculine voice whispered “Shhh...You’re caught, little one.”

Tears welled in Faye’s eyes. Her captor was a man. Not the Mistress of the hunt she’d so desperately hoped would find her, but someone else, unknown to her. She could feel his hardness digging into her back. He let go and she tumbled to the ground, falling out of her boots that were caught in the mire.

Naked except for the temporary collar that marked her as a participant in the event (as if anyone else might happen to be wandering around the woods on Beltane night naked as the day they were born), Faye scrambled to her back and looked up at her captor.

He was well-formed, for sure, but he was not the one she wanted. She could scarce make out his features, even with the ample light provided by the moon. The budding leaves provided just enough coverage to make the whole experience just anonymous enough that, unless he dragged her back to the bel fires, she would never know who took her.

In just a moment, he was atop her, his strong hand grabbing her just under the chin and fingers digging into her cheeks. She looked at him, and saw he had deep, brown eyes. She inhaled just a little, and closed her own, trying to look away. He thought it was all part of the game and she had no real right to refuse him - that was the sacrifice she and the others had made going into the festivities.

So engaged they were in assessing each other, neither one of them heard the footsteps that made no attempt to hide in the wild undergrowth of the forest. What Faye did hear was the scrape of metal on metal as a knife was unsheathed. Faye thought momentarily about crying for help, until she saw the knife at her captor’s throat.

A delicate, well-manicured hand pulled his head back and a voice as thick and husky as midnight whispered “I believe you’ve found my property, good sir.” Even in the dark, Faye could see the man’s eyes grow wide. She looked beyond him and let her eyes adjust and saw her Mistress. The leather, dark as night, squeaked with the exerted effort of pulling the man off of her.

He grumbled, but acquiesced to her aggression and sulked off in search of other prey, leaving Faye and her Mistress of the hunt alone together. Faye looked up at her and smiled, but the smile was not returned with but a small “tsk”-ing noise.

“My careless little girl, getting herself into all sorts of trouble.” Her Mistress reached out and helped Faye to her feet. Faye embraced her, her bare skin pressed against the chilled leather of her Love’s outfit. The embrace was returned for just a moment before she felt the bare steel of the knife pressed to her back, tracing swirls and spirals down her spinal column.

“I may love you, my sweet girl, but tonight you are my prey. Now march.” Faye walked on clumsily, barefoot and with a knife to her back, urging her onward. She had no idea where they were going until they got to a clearing in the forest. It was matted around the edges with leaves from last year’s fall, but the center was fresh with dewy green grass that had just a hint of frost to it.

Faye knelt at the center of the clearing, unable to help it that her eyes searched her Mistress’s body and face for some indication of her plans. But nothing was given freely, not tonight. Her mistress quickly pushed Faye back and with a yelp of surprise, Faye toppled. The fresh grass cut into her wounds, making for a deliciously sweet sensation that caused Faye to yelp and squirm. The knife was at her throat in an instant.

“Shhh....” Her Mistress ordered. Faye bit her bottom lip and did her best to keep silent as her Mistress took advantage of her position atop her to run her hands along Faye’s body. She felt fingers explore the cleft between her legs, wet with anticipation and the thrill of being captured.

Her Mistress smiled, and removed the knife when Faye was sufficiently still. Faye gasped again as she felt lips upon her nipple and a little suckle, while a warm hand explored the other breast. Her back arched against the ministrations, and her legs instantly spread apart, showing her willingness to her Mistress with no questions asked.

Her Mistress smiled, and Faye closed her eyes, savoring the look of approval and the feeling of a warm, hot mouth on her tender breast. Faye’s hands reached up to run through her Love’s hair, but were swatted away. She was to be totally passive tonight, apparently. The sacrificial animal led to the slaughter.

She felt her Love’s mouth move further down, kissing her round stomach. The wetness between her legs was undeniable, so great it was that it trickled out and seeped into the ground beneath her. Her legs spread even wider as her Mistress’s mouth moved down, and she felt a hot breath close to her pussy.

She moaned then, unable to help herself. Cold steel and a sharp edge pressed against her thigh, a reminder to keep quiet lest they be discovered. Faye brought a hand up and bit down on her knuckles as the first electric charge of tongue meeting sensitive nether-flesh struck through her body.

Her Mistress worked tirelessly, tonguing at Faye’s clit. Faye writhed beneath her touch and it didn’t take much until her first climax was upon her. But the festivities didn’t end there. Faye felt herself invaded by three fingers, stretched out by them, as her Mistress bit down on the sensitive nub of flesh between her legs. Faye squealed, and the knife bit into her thigh, leaving another cut and a trail of blood.

She felt her Mistress’s mouth leave her clit for just a moment to lick the wound, and heard a satisfied “Mmm” sound, husky and thick with lust. Her Mistress wiggled her fingers and returned to licking Faye’s clit, and it didn’t take long before another orgasm, then another, rocked her exposed and vulnerable body.

Faye lay panting on the ground, her lust sated, when she heard the distinct ripping noise of a zipper. Through half-lidded eyes, she saw her Mistress carefully removing her leather pants. In a moment, she was upon Faye, squatting over her face. Faye dutifully reached out, her hands on her Mistress of the hunt’s thighs to brace her. Her tongue reached out and began to trace small patterns along the lips of her Love’s pussy.

Her Love moaned, and reached down to guide Faye’s head, but Faye needed no guidance. Her lips suckled at her Mistress’s clit, and Faye felt her shudder above her. Using all her strength and grunting with exertion, Faye flipped her Mistress over so that their positions were reversed. With it being much easier for Faye to access her Mistress’s most private parts, Faye went to work, taking her time and exploring her Love’s labia, licking and suckling at the lips. Alternately, her fingers worked her Love’s clit, bringing about another shudder of pleasure.

Faye continued on for quite some time, her tongue delving into her Mistress’s pussy. As Faye felt the wetness increase, she could sense her Mistress’s patience wearing thin. Her Love’s fingers encircled a clump of her hair and pulled her close.

Faye savored the moment, inhaling the familiar and adored scent of her Love. In just that moment, her tongue worked overtime, bringing her Mistress to climax. Faye dutifully lapped up every drop of fluid gifted to her for her efforts and then some, before laying down beside her Mistress, her head resting at her Mistress’s breast.

“My sweet girl,” her Mistress whispered through still-labored breaths. “You are mine.” Faye nearly purred with contentment at the words as her Mistress’s arm encircled her. “And to prevent any misunderstandings, I think we should mark you to show the world that you're my property, now and forever. Perhaps something here...” her Love’s fingertips traced an empty spot of skin on  her shoulder blade. “But not tonight. Tonight, it’s clear to all that you are mine. My property, my darling.”

Faye sighed happily and leaned up to kiss her Mistress, tasting their mingled fluids on her tongue. They lay there for a time, staring at the moon, before Faye stood and helped her Mistress up and get dressed again, before the headed back to the commotion of the Beltane fires and the crowd, Mistress of the hunt and her prey.

Days of Submission: Day 27 + 28

27) Do you have submissive desires or fantasies that you have yet to be able to explore? Do some of your desires confuse or frighten you? Do they excite you?

I think the only desire or fetish of mine that I've ever really been leery about has been my impregnation fetish. I rarely talk about it, I rarely list it. It's not relevant to this relationship and I'm often too chickenshit to mention it to any of my partners unless they mention it first. It's not the idea of being pregnant - that was hell on earth - it's the idea of being claimed to that degree that turns me on. And that scares me, just a little.

28) Has your submission ever let you down? Have you ever been criticized for your submission? Have you ever regretted being or feeling submissive in a moment or in a relationship? Have you ever looked back and realized you made a mistake and how did you handle your submission going forward from that.

I've always talked at length about my mistakes and always tried to rectify them (still working off my most recent one where I've stepped out of line). I think my least proud moment as a submissive happened when I was a teenager. I met a "Dom" at a play party and he wanted to have sex. I said no and kept saying no, and he overrode my wishes. In that moment, I regretted feeling submissive and regretted ever engaging with him. I still look back on that night in disgust.

I've been criticized plenty for my submission, as well as for my choice to be in a polyamorous relationship. The most recent "shaming" occurred while waiting in line to see the president speak. It all started as a conversation on Clinton and his indiscretions and, being out and proud about who I am and making no secret about who or what I am, we got into it about lifestyle habits and choices and even sexual orientation. I pissed off the lady so bad she called me a slut and a whore and swore I was no better than a prostitute and that I must have no self esteem....she was so upset she left the line. I'll never understand it.

Most recently I've been approached by an author friend to give a comprehensive view on BDSM and what it's really like to be a submissive woman as opposed to the fantasy set forth by "50 Shades". We'll see how that goes.

Picture of the Day: 2004-2011

On the right is the picture you love of me, taken in 2004. On the left is almost an exact recreation taken in 2011 - unintentionally. Guess it just goes to show you how some things change and some don't - my propensity for purple hair, red corsets and that pose. LOL

Everyday Musings: 5/5/2012

So today has been relatively full of strife and awfulness. Love got into it with my husband, both came away with hurt feelings because they both felt disrespected - Love because she was only trying to help and the mister because he didn't like being felt like he was being ordered to do something. And I got caught in the middle, naturally.

Then the baby would not go to sleep - she's not used to her dad being awake or around in the morning and that kept her up ALL morning because he doesn't know how to do anything quietly or calmly to get her back to sleep. I dread the day he becomes a stay at home parent because he lacks the skills, and then puts me down because I DO know her routines but he thinks he knows more because he's been around more kids. Well: newsflash: playing with her during her first morning change and bottle means she WILL stay up. If it weren't for me, she'd never eat solid foods because he doesn't have the patience required to work with her through the distractions and moments where she's digesting. He just gives up.

Add to that a sudden onset ear infection from using headphones that weren't mine and cramps/bleeding that should not be happening and I am a very sad, sad creature today.

So I loaded myself up with decongestants, some honey and ginseng tea, put on "Bones" re-runs and settled down for a nap. Of course the landlord next door doesn't know how to keep his music low, so my ear was pounding until I fell asleep.

And then the nightmares started. Nightmares of losing people I love, including my Mistress. Nightmares of being alone, nightmares of trying to make everything work and failing miserably.

Right now I just want to be cuddled.

30 Days of Submission: Day 26

26) What are the qualities you seek in a dominant partner and why? Are some qualities deal-breakers as in “must” haves or “must not” have?

I seek someone who is loving and caring, someone who will allow me to take care of them in any way that I can and someone who will allow me to be autonomous in certain areas: for example, I'd probably flip shit if I were with someone who tried to control my eating/exercise habits, because I'm neurotic about them. Likewise for my housekeeping - I have a very OCD-type strict schedule for myself for that and I have no problems staying on task. But I do need someone to give me a gentle nudge in certain areas when it's warranted, and someone who is willing to explain "look, I'm doing xyz because abc" - not that everything ALWAYS deserves an explanation, but the big stuff? I like to know what's going on.

More pertinent, this post, I think, is time-wise. I used to have a strict rule about being out and proud of our relationship. If not, it was a dealbreaker. I've dated too many girls and guys who were otherwise involved or otherwise had hangups about their lives that prevented them from claiming me as theirs in a way that they should have been able to.  Obviously that's something that's not possible with my Love and something I'm willing to sacrifice for this one, because she's a keeper.

Other dealbreakers? Insulting my weight or insinuating that I can try harder in that area, because I can't. Demanding I drop family obligations to be with them is also a deal-breaker. It can get gnarly when the two mix, but I'm willing to at least TRY to work it out and try to keep the peace, as such was the case today. -Squeaky 

Outlaw Princess

Official Act of Contrition

When I was a kid, my family was Roman Catholic. Okay, they still are, but are a lot more relaxed. One of the rituals of the church is an act of contrition: You've done something wrong, against the laws of God, and you have to make it right somehow. Usually that involves prayer, fasting or some act of charity or something else to show you're truly sorry for what you've done.

I felt really low last night after having hurt my Love. And I want to make it right. But being so far away, there's no real way I can show her how truly sorry I am. So I write this as part of my act of contrition. If I had known how much was truly at stake - beyond just partners and such - I would have kept my mouth shut tighter than Fort Knox.

I'm not used to being closeted. I've never had to be. I'm still learning. I talked to some friends today who helped me cope with the emotions involved in it. They gave me some insight into how to deal with the shit in my own head and from now on, I'll try to be better.

This is my promise to you, my Love, that I'll never again fuck up in that big of a way. The thought of losing you forever scared the hell out of me. The thought of losing you ever scares me. I wish I could give you all the things you want and need - alas, I lack the proper tackle and lure to do so. My primary goal in life is to see that you're happy. I want you to be happy. And if it means swallowing my own issues to do so, I gladly will.

I am yours so long as you'll have me, hopefully forever. -Squeaky

Picture of the Day: Project for my Love

This is the hat I'll be knitting for my Love, in black, possibly without the goofy pom-poms at the end (depending on her preference) and maybe with white for the inside of the ears instead of pink. She'll need it for cold TN winters. I just need to wait to pick up the yarn for it before I can start. -Squeaky

30 Days of Submission: Day 25

25) Are there items, objects or rituals that represent or help you express submission? If not, have you ever thought of adding or being gifted one? Is there a special significance to these objects or rituals?
One day I hope to receive something from my Love to represent my submission from her, but I don't expect it any time soon. I have a long way to go in meeting her expectations, as evidenced by my recent actions. One of the rituals I engage in is, obviously, posting to this blog each day. Another that I just can't help is that she's the last thing on my mind before bed and first thing on my mind when I wake up. Each day I hope to be a little bit better for my Mistress and not be a disappointment. -Squeaky

Picture of the Day: My Goofy Dog

If Sprocket waiting for a doorbell to ring doesn't make you smile, I don't know what will. -Squeaky

30 Days of Submission: Day 24

24) What are the emotions that most directly let you access submission? What feelings do they inspire?
The positive emotions that most directly let me access my submission are love and concern for my Mistress' well-being, to know that her needs are being met and that I can adequately meet them and if I can't, to try harder and give more. The negative emotions that lead to me feeling more submissive are jealousy and fear. Fear of abandonment, jealousy over others who CAN meet her needs. Again, they all inspire me to try harder to be the best I can for her and her life and her needs. -Squeaky

Picture of the Day: View From My Kitchen Window

Not because I'm making you a sandwich or anything, Love. Just because I wanted to show that it was snowing and I was miserable about it. I was going to go for a long walk today, take your Other Daughter to the park and get some sunlight, but as you can see that just isn't gonna happen. -sigh- ~Squeaky

30 Days of Submission: Day 23

23) Is there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own submissive feelings?
There are some that I worry about - those who take it to the utter extreme. Then again, I'm a very self-reliant, fiercely independent person when it comes to my life. Right now I'm struggling with letting my Love know when I'm depressed and why I'm depressed - and right now my depression is something that cannot be helped, regardless of efforts. I cried myself to sleep last night, wishing she was here. It's just heartache and it's something I'm used to and will deal with on my own - I just wish I didn't have to.

Picture of the Day: This Right Here....

Is the person on the planet who makes me the happiest. IT'S NOT CHEATING WTF I GENUINELY GET ALL FUCKING CRAZY OVER YOU!

30 Days of Submission: Day 21 +22

21) Is there a physical position that makes you feel most submissive?

I honestly feel most at home on my knees. That's where I'm comfortable and that's where I feel most submissive. The rest of it is just gravy.

22) Can you feel submissive without a dominant partner? If so, how does your submission express itself? If not, how do you handle your submission or submissive feelings?

It's funny, because the answer is yes. Whereas my Mistress's need to save the world and take care of everyone manifests in a dominant nature, mine manifests in a submissive nature. I volunteer, often to the point of my own detriment, and I help out those who are close to me. It makes me feel better and gives me a sense of purpose. Without a sense of purpose, I tend to just drift aimlessly.

_Squeaky

30 Days of Dominace: Day 4, 5 and 6 (short answer because I'm a slacker)

Day 4 - Do you switch into a submissive role at any time? Are you a “switch” in BDSM terms? If not, have you ever thought about it or given thought to why it’s not for you? If you are in a Domestic Discipline relationship, are there things that you do not maintain control over?

I used to be a switch. Now I tend more towards Dominant, as that is were I feel best.  I do like to be taken care of, I don't consider that the same as being submissive.

Day 5 - Have you been or are you in a Dominant/submissive dynamic relationship or is this new to you? Have you been in more than one D/s relationship? How were they the same? How were they different? What is unique about your relationships in your mind?

I've been in a few D/s relationships however I was on the submissive end. Even on the submissive end, however, I was the "first" so my sisters of submission often called me "little mistress". This is the first D/s relationship where I am the true Dominant. My past relationships were terrible things that I wish to not speak of, but I feel they make me better in my current relationship.

Day 6 – What do you feel are the roots of your Dominance? Do you think it has something to do with childhood, upbringing or parental example? Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline? Is it a sexual thrill or something else?

I feel my dominance has to do with my need to care for people. I have this problem where I want o save the world. I want those I care for to feel no fear or pain. I believe that by being that constant in their life I can fulfill that hope to at least some point.

30 Days of Submission: Day 20

20) Has your submission increased or decreased over time? Have you ever had to renegotiate your submission due to a change in your feelings or circumstance?

I would say that it has changed over time - I've become much more willing to do what it takes to please whoever I am with. That has both served me well and caused me a great deal of pain. I feel that I'm able to trust easier and therefore listen easier. I have not had to renegotiate, but relationships change and I have no problems speaking up if something is a problem. -Squeaky

Picture of the Day: Lonely Sleeping

Excuse my messy living room in the background, but this is where I've been sleeping as of late. Our bed broke and I was kind enough to give Froggy the guest bed. I've been sleeping all alone on the couch, miserably so, missing my Love and hoping to one day be sleeping by her side.

Also, you can see my dog Sprocket, using my pillows like a human. Because how can that NOT cheer you up? -Squeaky

30 Days of Submission: Day 19

19) How socially connected is your submission? Do you look for others to talk to about your submission for support or networking? Do you go to events or connect through another sort of social grouping either in person or online?

I don't actually need to connect with others to be confident in my submission. I like to talk about it - hence moderating TK and being on Fetlife and speaking to different author friends of mine on the subject, but I don't feel the need to have a support network for it. I'd like to go to events, but there are few around here and I never seem to be able to make it to the one munch that's close. -Squeaky

Picture of the Day: Girly Things

This is is all your fault. I'm playing with makeup again after a hiatus and not being able to stand not having anywhere to go to get all made up. So your picture of the day is my eye crap.

Hard Candy Sheer Envy Primer
Maybelline Stylish Smokes palette in Amythest Smokes
Hard Candy Walk the Line liquid liner in black
NYC Eye Pencil on the lower lid in black
Rimmel Scandaleyes Mascara in HOLYFUCKITSACTUALLYWATERPROOF black.

I blame you for this. And thank you for it all at the same time. I feel purdy.

30 Days of Submission: Day 18

18) Very often the stereotype of submission is that the submissive person loses the ability to have an opinion. While that clearly isn’t true except in the absolute rarest of occasions, how does communication factor into your submission and how do you communicate your desires and needs?
This is a tough one because I'm a very opinionated person. My Love lets me speak my mind - that does not mean there aren't consequences for it, however. If I'm to be silent, it's made pretty clear and when I can speak freely she tells me so. Communicating is done straight forward...that does not, however, mean that every request will be obliged or need fulfilled. It's all at Her discretion. -Squeaky

Picture of the Day: My Weakness

Yesterday some crazy shit went down. I don't feel the need to re-iterate it, as it's being handled legally and on the basis of copyright infringement. But I did get called all manner of nasty, horrible things, mostly related to my weight.

It burns me because I try to do everything right. I'm on the diet prescribed by my doctor and nutritionist. I'm on medication to help with my hormonal imbalance and my insulin disorder. I walk everywhere. I jog five miles a week (more when it's warmer), I dance and do yoga daily. I chase the dogs and cats and play with the baby and pick her up and do all manner of physical activity while cleaning the house.

 I'm trying to lose 90 pounds, not because some jackasses on the internet think I'm too fat, but because I need to feel healthier. I want to be the girl I used to know. But with those health problems, losing weight is a near impossibility. In fact, the reason I gained those 90 pounds in a 3-month span my sophomore year in high school was because I was on the wrong medication for my insulin disorder. And they've stayed around ever since.

But sometimes you've just got to say "fuck it" and indulge your sweet tooth. So I've got a four pack of Cadbury double chocolate eggs that I fully intend on finishing today. I had two yesterday to make myself feel happier and take the edge off a headache. Today's are purely meant for enjoyment.

So there's your little peek into my life today - chocolate, it does a soul good. -Squeaky

30 Days of Submission: Day 17

17) What does trust mean to you in the context of submission?

Trust, to me, is no different than trust in any relationship. I know this seems to be my stock answer, but perhaps that's because almost all of my relationships in some form or another have had a BDSM aspect. I trust that my Love won't order me to do anything dangerous or bad for me. I trust that she won't break my heart and will gently guide me into being a better person. I trust that my Mistress will be there to catch me when I fall and I trust that she'll let me know when she can't do something. I also trust that she'll let me help her and serve her in any way that I can....that if she needs someone to catch her when she falls, that she knows I'm here for her to lean on.

Trust, really, is something I have a hard time with because like so many, I've been hurt so much. I do, however, trust my Love with all my heart and soul. -Squeaky

Picture of the Day: Me Now

Unfortunately since I still can't seem to find my camera's battery charger, a photo of me taken moments ago with my cell phone will have to do. I'm tired - I've got bags under my eyes. Last night's eyeliner and mascara are wiped all over and I look a wreck. And still She loves me. I couldn't have asked for a better Mistress, one who takes me as I am, then and now and everything in between. -Squeaky

30 Days of Submission: Day 16

16) Have you found your submission has changed with different partners/relationships? If you’re involved with partners of both sexes, does your submission relate or change based on gender or does it depend on the person?

I've found that my submission changes based on relationship. Just as each relationship is unique, so is my interaction in a BDSM sense. With Froggy, for example, we have a more relaxed play-partner relationship, nothing extremely serious because he did not want to interfere with my relationship with my Mistress and because he is still learning and from time to time needs my guidance so I must "top from the bottom" so to speak. With my Mistress, I'm willing to give in completely and totally. It doesn't change based on sex.

However, there are a few people (individual) who bring out my dominant side, and I don't mind exposing it occasionally to those I'm actually involved with if the mood strikes to switch. I'm happy to do it for those I submit to because it brings them pleasure, which ultimately brings me pleasure. So in a way, I'm still submissive. I hope that makes sense.

-Squeaky

Picture a Day: Day 2

While I stall and find time to get my camera charger from the depths of hell (AKA: The bedroom), this is a photo from the last night my Love and I saw each other: May 15, 2010. I was wearing my brand new corset, and half-way through the night of dancing we went back to her place to change and grab a few things. That night things almost happened (I was naked in her bedroom, FFS!) but we were both too shy and giggly and feeling too awkward to do anything about it. I still have the bra she lent me that night - leopard print with a red bow in the center. I wear it when I want to feel comfortable. It was the only one that fit for the duration of my pregnancy, and it always makes me feel supported (da-dum-dum!) -Squeaky

30 Days of Submission: Day 15

15) Has your submission evolved over time? If so, how has it evolved for you and if not (or if you are just starting out) how might you see or imagine it evolving in the future?

I think this is an apropos question, as we were just talking about this last night. I used to sleep with anything or anyone that would have me, but now I want to be a slut for only those I love, and most especially for my Love. Right now, I have a Mistress and I have a play-partner/dom (Froggy) and I'm not looking for anything else besides that. I've never been this content in a relationship setup before and I've never felt so comfortable or secure in one. I think, over time, that it will evolve into even more love and trust, especially after my Love and I get some time alone to ourselves for a bit in person.  -Squeaky

30 Days of Submission: Day 1

1) Does your submission - either what you practice or what you strive for - have a label? Do you view your submission as Taken in Hand, domestic discipline, top/bottom, dominant/submissive, master/slave, owner/pet, or some other description or combination? If you do not use a label, why?

My submission is based on feeling a sensation of control. Without it I feel like I'm spinning violently out of control. I imagine your touch and I feel a calmness about me. It quiets the chaos. My brain quiets down and life becomes simpler. The way it should have been. As far as titles go, I think dom sub makes the most sense. She controls me. She leads I follow. -Xibalba

30 Days of Submission: Day 14

14) Does religion have any bearing on your decision to submit? If not, are you familiar with religious based submission and do you view it as similar to other types of submission or dissimilar?

Honestly, submission IS a spiritual experience to me. In my eyes, you are my Goddess. To do anything but worship you would be a disservice to her. I've played D/s games as part of religious rites and enjoyed them thoroughly, such as the wild hunt wherein the subs are sent out into the wild and the doms have their choice of who they capture and take down and get to fuck. I've had religious-based ordeals wherein bondage and dominance and submission, as well as pain and pleasure, were all part of the rites. If I had a willing partner, I would again start practicing D/s as a form of worship, but unfortunately being married to an atheist puts a damper on things. 

Picture a Day: Day 1: The Girl You Met

This is a picture of the girl you met, right around the time we first met. This photo is part of a series that I still have (and will gladly send if asked), but this is who I was. I was cocky, arrogant, made stupid mistakes. This is the girl who went out clubbing twice a week, the girl who didn't have a care in the world except stupid high school shit. The girl who slept overnight on National Monuments until the trains ran in the mornings, the girl who saw you smile and wanted to keep seeing it, but was too afraid to show it.

This is the girl you met.

From me to You

When you're so lonely lying in bed
Night's closed it's eyes but you can't rest your head
Everyone's sleeping all through the house
You wish you could dream but forgot to somehow
Sing this lullaby to yourself
Sing this lullaby to yourself
And if you are waiting, waiting for me
Know I'll be home soon darling I guarantee
I'll be home Sunday just in one week
Dry up your tears if you start to weep
And sing this lullaby to yourself
Sing this lullaby to yourself
Lullaby, I'm not nearby
Sing this lullaby to yourself
Don't you cry, no don't you cry
Sing this lullaby to yourself
Cause when I arrive dear it won't be that long
No it won't seem like anytime that I've been gone
It ain't the first time it won't be the last
Won't you remember these words to help the time pass?
So when you're so lonely lying in bed
Night's closed it's eyes but you can't rest your head
Everyone's sleeping all through the house
You wish you could dream but forgot to somehow
Sing this lullaby to yourself
Sing this lullaby to yourself
Sing this lullaby, sing this lullaby
Sing this lullaby to yourself

A Picture a Day

I had a long conversation with someone last night and I think I made some headway. We'll talk when Love gets the chance, which likely won't be today as she's working a double and I'm all on my own.

I'm thinking of doing a picture a day as soon as I find my camera battery charger. Not necessarily anything sexual and not always me, but just a picture from my day. I think it might help bridge the distance a little better and make my Love and I feel more like a part of each other's lives.

Yea? Nay?

30 Days of Submission: Day 13

13) Is sexual availability, being available to your partner any time he or she wants, part of your submission? Why or why not? Are there limits to this?
Yes, within reason. If I'm not feeling well or sick or having a problem that would inhibit me from performing satisfactorily (say my PTSD is acting up that day, or I have massive diarrhea), I would expect to not be summoned for this aspect, but yes, I consider it part of my submission and willingly and gladly so.

WHISKEY!!!

So happy that my love got her Whiskey home. I can't believe I just did snoopy dances in my living room. In my underwear. Let that image sink in. Hehehe.

30 Days of Submission: Day 12

12) Do you include financial submission within the definition of your own submission and if yes, how does it manifest itself? If no, is there a particular reason why? Are you familiar with the concepts of financial submission? Do you have an opinion about financial submission in general?
I do not include financial submission within the definition of my own submission. Unfortunately I have a household to run and anything I have goes into that and taking care of those within it. But if my Love were in need, truly in need, I would not hesitate to help out in any way I could, as I mentioned in yesterday's blog post.

Money is a tough area, and it makes people a little crazy. I'd just as soon not have to deal with it, but unfortunately I'm the wizard when it comes to household finances and crunching numbers. I also feel entitled - if I work for it, I should be able to have discretion.

This does not preclude gifts or asking to save for something like a trip to visit my Love, however.

Jealousy

It's not often for me that jealousy rears its ugly head, but sometimes it does. I am human, after all. And jealousy is a perfectly normal human emotion. But that doesn't mean you can't work through it.

Jealousy in this particular instance arises from fear, I think. Fear of sharing time and fear of sharing my Mistress's love with someone we both have history and feelings for. I know that shouldn't scare me, but should draw me closer. But sometimes the lizard brain outweighs the logical mind and you panic.

I worry that if I'm not the squeaky wheel (no pun intended) that I won't get the time and attention I have been getting, or that I'll be relegated to the background like an unused toy after Christmas. It's an illogical feeling, an illogical thought because I know it won't happen.

But it's happened before, which is why I sit here with tears in my eyes as I write this. I want nothing more than to make my Love happy. And secondary, I want nothing more than to make those I love happy. And I love all involved, including and especially my Love. So why is this tough for me? I don't know.

The best part of my day...

Was waking up early by accident and completely coincidentally getting to talk to my Love. She was so smiley and happy and giggly. It made my day to see her that way.

30 Days of Submission: Day 11

11) Do you include service as a part of your expectations of your submission? How do you define service? What does it mean to you? If not, what is it about the concept of service that is not for you?
I do include service as part of the expectations of my submission. Service, to me, means making my Love's life easier in any way possible. If she were here, I would be cooking and cleaning for her, taking care of the kids, fetching things, drawing her baths, whatever she'd like. Since she's not here, I have to make up for it in other ways - finding little ways to make her day happier or easier wherever I can. Most recently, it was fundraising to save her dog. That's a heroic effort and not something I consider service, but it was done out of love for Her. Little things like updating this blog or sending her a message while she's at work letting her know I love her. Things like that.

Feeling Like A Disappointment

I've realized in a long-distance relationship, even moreso than in a face-to-face one, that feeling like you've disappointed your Love is a bigger blow. I feel like no matter what I do it's not good enough, but what brought it to the surface last night was the conclusion to the story. I was accused of rushing, and perhaps that's a little true - I was tired and excited all at the same time.

But I also had a problem describing how I would like for my Love to please me, as opposed to vice versa. It just was blocked in my head, because I would like for her to take her pleasure where and how she sees fit.

Aside from that, I've just been feeling like I'm failing at being able to cheer her up. I want to make her life better in every single way that I can, and I feel like that's not something I'm able to do from this far away.

It's days like today I not only want to cry, but also want to run away and kidnap her and be with her and shelter her from all the bad things in life forever.

It also sucks that it's President's Day and the mail doesn't run, because her surprise would have reached her today.

30 Days of Submission: Day 10

10) Does any element of BDSM occur as a part of your submissive relationships? How do you feel about BDSM? Is it core to your submission, peripheral or non-existent (other than the submission part)?
BDSM is pretty core to my relationships. I love to submit (obviously, or I wouldn't be writing this), and I'm an extreme masochist at my heart. I enjoy bondage and the thrill of trying to struggle free. I feel this question is kind of redundant, as there's not much to be said that hasn't already, or that my Love doesn't already know in this regard.

The Long Wait: Part Two

Cyn gently pushed Faye onto her back on the bed. Faye gasped, her raw and sore ass gliding along the sheets with a painful pleasure that brought a tear to her eye.

Cyn grinned, kissing Faye's lips, tasting herself on them. Her deft fingers glided over Faye's shirt, tugging at the hem and pulling it up over her head, exposing her entire torso to her Mistress. "What a naughty little thing you are." Cyn tsk'd thrice, and cupped a breast with one hand. Lowering her head, she suckled the nipple until Faye's back arched and a gasp slid from her throat.

Moving down, she kissed Faye's stomach, and pulled her skirt down over her hips and tossed it off the bed. Faye groaned and twisted, trying so much to help and failing. Cyn's fingers explored the shaved area between Faye's legs and found it already dripping wet. "Such a sweet little whore." She whispered, and immediately filled her to the max, shoving three fingers into Faye's cunt.

Faye moaned out, grasping the sheets, her hips rising to meet those wonderful fingers. The sensation was almost overwhelming, after all she'd already endured. Her vision swam with colors and shapes, and exploded when she first felt Cyn's tongue on her clit.

It didn't take but an instant for Faye to start begging. "Please, Mistress."

"Please what?" Cyn paused for a moment, and grinned up at the look of utter pleasure on her slave's face.

"Please may I cum?" Cyn began her ministrations again.

"Not yet, my sweet girl."

Faye fought with her own body, trying so hard to keep from exploding under her Mistress's touch. Her body was in constant motion, writhing and contorting on the bed, trying every which way to escape the feelings she had, trying every which way to think of anything other than her Love, to no avail.

"PLEASE!" she shouted. "Please Cyn..." she begged, the words flowing out like a torrent. "Please let me cum. Please. It feels so good. YOU feel so good. I can't..I can't..."

As the words faltered and Cyn felt her girl's pussy contract around her fingers, she spoke "You may cum."

Faye screamed her orgasm, gripping the sheets. Her toes curled, her legs tightened and she gasped for air that wouldn't come. Tears welled in her eyes, and as she tried to regulate her breathing, Cyn came up to lay next to her. Faye kissed her gratefully, and kept kissing her, a torrent of kisses to match the torrent of pleasure she had just felt and the flood of love she felt for her Mistress now.

"I love you so much." she said shakily.

"I love you too, my sweet girl." Cyn took Faye into her arms and caressed her hair, holding her until the shaking stopped.

"Will you ever let me go?" Faye whispered, a look of sudden fear on her face.

"Not a chance on your life, sweet one." Cyn kissed her again, and they slowly drifted into a reverie together.

30 Days of Submission: Day Nine

9) Do you accept and/or expect structure, rules and limits as a part of your submission? How do you feel about them?

I tend to balk at too many rules or limits and structure - I'm a very autonomous person most of the time. Some rules and limits and structure I expect and understand, and if I don't understand or like it, I ask and negotiate with my partner. Other things I will willingly do just to please them. :)

30 Days of Submission: Day 8

8) Is spanking or corporal punishment a part of your submission? Why or why not?
I enjoy it too much for it to be a true "punishment" - i'd say it's more part of my submission.

Tag, You're It!

I kept missing my Love today. Every time I would hop on, she would hop off. I suspect she had a very bad day and I wish so badly I could make it better. Thinking of you. <3

30 Days of Submission: Day Seven

7) Do you accept and/or expect discipline or punishments as a part of your submission? How do you feel about it?

I don't expect it, but I do accept it should my Love find it necessary to correct a behavior or problem or should I fall short of her expectations. When I do fall short of expectations, I feel horrible already, so lots of cuddles are required after physical discipline or psychological punishments.

30 Days of Submission: Day Six

6) What do you feel are the roots of your submission? Do you think it has something to do with childhood? Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline? Is it a sexual thrill or something else?
I think it truly is just my nature. It has nothing to do with my childhood - I had, by all rights, a wonderful one. It's not a matter of domestic discipline, although it is a coping mechanism. Without someone to devote myself to, I feel lost and alone and absolutely depressed. Knowing that I have someone counting on me, depending on me, waiting for me to do something gives me purpose and in giving me purpose, gives me meaning. Of course, there's also the sexual thrill of it. One look that says "on your knees" and I'm all nice and ready to go.

The Long Wait, Part One

"Why does it hurt so much when I see someone else hurt you?" Faye wrapped her arms around the other girl, resting her head on her shoulder as she'd done a thousand times before.

"It hurts because it matters." Cyn sniffled and wiped at her tear-stained face, taking care to avoid smearing her mascara and giving herself even more of a raccoon-look than she'd already taken the time to apply that morning.

Faye leaned in and pressed her hand under Cyn's chin, looking her dead in the eyes. "I only want the best for you." Cyn reached up and grabbed Faye's hand, twisting it back on itself. Faye gasped at the suddenness of the movement.

"You are such a sweet, sweet girl," Cyn whispered, nipping at Faye's earlobe. Faye shuddered and closed her eyes, but a gentle, loving tap across the cheek brought her eyes back to meet the gaze of the one she called Mistress.

"I try." Faye's voice stuck in her throat. She blinked rapidly, fighting the urge to close her eyes and savor the sensation, the sweet, burning pain in her wrist. Cyn let go, and pushed Faye backwards, causing her to stumble and press against the wall for balance.

"You succeed. Very much so, my sweet girl." Cyn walked over to her, pressing one arm to either side of her, trapping her in place. Faye withered on the spot, sliding down the wall to her knees before her Love.

"I only want to please you." Faye smiled up at her, a mischievious grin on her face as she probed at the hem of Cyn's skirt. A sharp SMACK across the back of the hand thwarted her efforts.

"Not yet, my sweet girl. I've got a mind to do some things first. Some long, long awaited things." Cyn reached down and grasped Faye by the hair, dragging her across the room to the bed, causing Faye to crawl and scurry to keep up.

Looking up at her Mistress, Faye could only infer the next command and scrambled onto the bed, trying to be of help. When Cyn smiled at her and twirled her finger around, Faye turned around and bent over, exposing absolutely everything to her. Faye's skirt was so short and there was nothing underneath.

"Mmmm." Cyn almost moaned, cupping an ass cheek and giving it a firm smack to test Faye's reaction. Faye jumped at the suddenness of it, but did not move except to sink further onto her hands and knees to present herself to her Mistress.

Selecting a lightweight lexan cane from the wall, Cyn swatted at the air. Faye flinched at the tell-tale noise that the cane made, the woosh as it cut through the air just as surely as it would welt her flesh in a moment's time.

"I want you to take a good beating. One stroke for each year I've had to wait for you. Start counting." Cyn pulled back and gave it all she was worth. Faye cried out in pain, tears welling in her eyes.

"One. Thank you, my Love." Faye breathed deeply, composing herself for the next strike. It came, gentler than the last.

"Two. Thank you, my Mistress." Cyn's hand rubbed the blossoming bruises on Faye's ass, giving her time to recover and a moment of serenity between the chaotic mindspace of the pain.  And just as suddenly as her hand was removed, Faye recieved another swat of the cane.

"Three. Thank you!" She practically yelped the words. Cyn smiled, knowing without even looking that her sweet girl was already wet enough to be dripping. Another three swats in rapid succession left Faye gasping for air.

"Four. Five. Siiiiiix." moaned Faye. Her ass was beet red, tiny welts forming where blood pooled at the surface. They would bruise nicely and leave Faye with a lasting reminder of just who owned her for days to come.

Three light taps, again in rapid succession. "Seven. Eight. Nine." Faye bit down on the pillow in front of her, tears rolling down her cheeks. She loved the pain, loved the tenderness between blows, but could not help her body's natural reaction to it.

"Ready, my sweet?" Cyn caressed Faye's cheek, wiping away an errant tear. Faye simply nodded, as a blow rained down on her ass just as hard as the first, sending Faye jumping across the bed, rubbing her ass.

"Ten." She choked out the number. Had it really been ten long years that they'd been dancing around one another, waiting for the right moment, the courage to speak up? It had. And now Faye had the marks to show for it.

Cyn tossed the cane to the side and climbed on the bed. Without hesitation, stuck three fingers inside of her pet. "This is mine. Do you understand?" Faye nodded.

"Yes," she was still gasping on the tears. "Yes. All yours!" She spread her legs awkwardly, trying to avoid aggrivating the welts on her tender ass.

"What do you want, my sweet girl?" Cyn pumped her fingers in and out, just enough to tease her. Faye's hips jumped at the movement, meeting the thrust with one of their own. Faye sat and wrapped her arms around Cyn, kissing her passionately.

Faye's tongue slipped past Cyn's lips. Their tongues danced together briefly, before Cyn pulled her fingers out of the girl, leaving her gasping and feeling wholly empty. "What do you want?" She repeated, sounding less patient this time.

"I want you. I want all of you." Faye gently pushed Cyn back and lifted her skirt. This time, Cyn gave no protest. Faye started at her knees and kissed her way up Cyn's thigh, nipping and biting. Cyn's fingers encircled a few errant locks of Faye's hair, tugging on them to remind her not to be too much of a brat.

When she reached Cyn's panties, Faye took them between her teeth and pulled them down, all the way, before kissing her way back up to the pinnacle of Cyn's desire. She looked up at Cyn for permission and was met with a loving look and a nod of approval.

Gently parting her Love's outer lips, Faye lapped at her Love's pussy like a cat laps a bowl of cream, and enjoyed it moreso. She savored the taste, letting out a low moan in the back of her throat to indicate her pleasure.

Cyn grasped the girl's head, holding it there. But there was no need. Nibbling at Cyn's clit, Faye's tongue paid the utmost attention to that spot, trying so hard to please her Mistress. Her fingers came up, probing and searching until she found that magical spot that made Cyn writhe and moan herself.

Faye's tongue flicked rapidly over Cyn's clit, her mouth worked overtime, nibbling and sucking gently at it, her tongue occasionally delving into the cleft below, taking her time and teasing. When Cyn's grip tightened on her hair, she knew she had found her rhythm and continued on until Cyn bucked wildly, pressing herself so close against Faye's face that she could not breathe.

When Cyn let go, Faye gasped for air, licking her lips and smiling up at her. "Is my Love pleased?"

"Very much so, my sweet girl." Cyn smiled and wiped a bit of fluid off of Faye's nose, feeding it to her on her fingers, which Faye gladly licked and sucked. "Now it's your turn."