Everyday Musings: A Little of This, a Little of That

I'm not too sure what to write today, so it's going to be a mish-mash of just about everything. Mostly complaints, but this is my everyday life, really. So a snapshot, if you will. I tried a random blog topic generator, and got the topic "eating out." Uhhh...too easy. :-P

I finally got a long soak in the tub today. Win.
Doing laundry and packing and cleaning. Win. But doing it all by myself. Not so win.
Pandora seems to have a great soundtrack for my day. Win.
I'm still too tired to do much - not so win.


I started the squat challenge that's been going around, but changed it to the plie' challenge. I'm gonna get back to dancing if it kills me.

Sorting stuff for the yard sale and moving and whatnot. Just ugh.

That's about my day. Since I was left with a song, I'll leave one for my Love.

Lost

I sometimes feel I am neglecting my darling. I just get so wrapped up in the Hell that my own world has become, that I forget there is a sweet girl out there craving my attentions. I want so badly to wash away her doubt, but how can I when I feel so lost myself?

I don't know how else to say it, so I leave the words of Dan Brown to do it...

Lost

Lost in a world, that scares me to death,
Lost in a crowd, I'm losing my breath.
Lost as a boy, lost as a man,
I need to grow up, don't think I can.

Lost as a person, can't find my way.
Lost in life, every day.
Lost in worry, who am I?
All my life, I've lived a lie.

Lost to kindness, lost to love,
Lost in a sky, like a new-born dove.
Lost in thought, which I shouldn't do,
It winds me up, I can’t get through.

Lost to comfort, all kind words,
Lost to advice, it isn't heard.
Lost to those who really care,
All these people, always there.

Lost in me, I need a break,
Lost in wonder, which road to take?
Lost in a place I don't know well,
Where are you now? There's no one to tell.

Lost here, all alone,
Lost apart from the mobile phone.
Lost still, there are no calls.
I'm struggling alone, to break these walls.

Lost in mind, lost in soul,
Lost memories, they're just a hole.
Lost family, lost mate,
Gone now, yet I'm full of hate.

Lost in a straight world, and I am gay,
Lost now, for what to say,
Lost in boredom, think I'll leave.
There's a lot in life I need to achieve.

Freewrite: Rainy Night

Spring is a tease - she keeps flitting in and out of my life with ease, bringing me right back to the coldness of winter. Tonight, though, she keeps me company. The windows are open and a light rain sings against the rooftop, calling my name and making me want to wander to places I know I shouldn't be in my own head.

These are the perfect nights for snuggling up with the one you love, and I wish so desperately my Love were here to share it with me. These are the perfect nights for a long walk in the gentle mist, for long, wet kisses in the rain and a romp through the woods, muddy and perfect with Mother Nature.

But I'm here, alone. I'm cleaning and packing and trying to work out what I'm going to do without any help. I don't have anyone to cuddle up with - even the kiddo is gone to her Nana's. I'm here all alone and the thoughts inside my head are driving me insane. Now, more than ever, I need that love and those cuddles and to he held and told that everything is fine. That reassurance that I'm not just some disposable plaything. That reassurance that love really is there.

Because despite the wonderful weather and the beautiful night, where I am in my head, it ain't pretty. -Squeaky

Freewrite: Redefining Home

Right now I'm in the middle of a move and I've realized that I don't exactly have a stable thought on what constitutes "home" for me. When I'm here, home is 500 miles away where my family and friends are. When I'm there, "home" is here where my husband and animals are. When I'm pragmatic about it, "home" is wherever my loved ones are, and those I love are scattered about. When I'm being a little more nostalgic, "home" is where my heart lies - in the middle of the north-central PA wilderness with my horses and the last trappings of my adolescence. So where is home for me? Do I actually have one? Do I actually want one? Do I need one?

Ideally if I were to have a home, I would buy up a large tract of land in Northeastern PA and buy up a bunch of trailers and create a compound for my family and friends to all gather around and be close, sort of like a modern day commune or camp. But everyone else has other plans and nobody would actually buy into the idea, so it's a moot point.

Secondarily I'd like my home to have space for animals and my animal rescue endeavors - enough place for a sanctuary and a boarding facility.

Most of all, though, I just wish I could make a home with my loved ones. My husband, my Love, and any others in their lives. But it'll never happen. A girl can dream though, right? -Squeaky

Everyday Musings: 5/5/2012

So today has been relatively full of strife and awfulness. Love got into it with my husband, both came away with hurt feelings because they both felt disrespected - Love because she was only trying to help and the mister because he didn't like being felt like he was being ordered to do something. And I got caught in the middle, naturally.

Then the baby would not go to sleep - she's not used to her dad being awake or around in the morning and that kept her up ALL morning because he doesn't know how to do anything quietly or calmly to get her back to sleep. I dread the day he becomes a stay at home parent because he lacks the skills, and then puts me down because I DO know her routines but he thinks he knows more because he's been around more kids. Well: newsflash: playing with her during her first morning change and bottle means she WILL stay up. If it weren't for me, she'd never eat solid foods because he doesn't have the patience required to work with her through the distractions and moments where she's digesting. He just gives up.

Add to that a sudden onset ear infection from using headphones that weren't mine and cramps/bleeding that should not be happening and I am a very sad, sad creature today.

So I loaded myself up with decongestants, some honey and ginseng tea, put on "Bones" re-runs and settled down for a nap. Of course the landlord next door doesn't know how to keep his music low, so my ear was pounding until I fell asleep.

And then the nightmares started. Nightmares of losing people I love, including my Mistress. Nightmares of being alone, nightmares of trying to make everything work and failing miserably.

Right now I just want to be cuddled.

Official Act of Contrition

When I was a kid, my family was Roman Catholic. Okay, they still are, but are a lot more relaxed. One of the rituals of the church is an act of contrition: You've done something wrong, against the laws of God, and you have to make it right somehow. Usually that involves prayer, fasting or some act of charity or something else to show you're truly sorry for what you've done.

I felt really low last night after having hurt my Love. And I want to make it right. But being so far away, there's no real way I can show her how truly sorry I am. So I write this as part of my act of contrition. If I had known how much was truly at stake - beyond just partners and such - I would have kept my mouth shut tighter than Fort Knox.

I'm not used to being closeted. I've never had to be. I'm still learning. I talked to some friends today who helped me cope with the emotions involved in it. They gave me some insight into how to deal with the shit in my own head and from now on, I'll try to be better.

This is my promise to you, my Love, that I'll never again fuck up in that big of a way. The thought of losing you forever scared the hell out of me. The thought of losing you ever scares me. I wish I could give you all the things you want and need - alas, I lack the proper tackle and lure to do so. My primary goal in life is to see that you're happy. I want you to be happy. And if it means swallowing my own issues to do so, I gladly will.

I am yours so long as you'll have me, hopefully forever. -Squeaky

From me to You

When you're so lonely lying in bed
Night's closed it's eyes but you can't rest your head
Everyone's sleeping all through the house
You wish you could dream but forgot to somehow
Sing this lullaby to yourself
Sing this lullaby to yourself
And if you are waiting, waiting for me
Know I'll be home soon darling I guarantee
I'll be home Sunday just in one week
Dry up your tears if you start to weep
And sing this lullaby to yourself
Sing this lullaby to yourself
Lullaby, I'm not nearby
Sing this lullaby to yourself
Don't you cry, no don't you cry
Sing this lullaby to yourself
Cause when I arrive dear it won't be that long
No it won't seem like anytime that I've been gone
It ain't the first time it won't be the last
Won't you remember these words to help the time pass?
So when you're so lonely lying in bed
Night's closed it's eyes but you can't rest your head
Everyone's sleeping all through the house
You wish you could dream but forgot to somehow
Sing this lullaby to yourself
Sing this lullaby to yourself
Sing this lullaby, sing this lullaby
Sing this lullaby to yourself

WHISKEY!!!

So happy that my love got her Whiskey home. I can't believe I just did snoopy dances in my living room. In my underwear. Let that image sink in. Hehehe.

Jealousy

It's not often for me that jealousy rears its ugly head, but sometimes it does. I am human, after all. And jealousy is a perfectly normal human emotion. But that doesn't mean you can't work through it.

Jealousy in this particular instance arises from fear, I think. Fear of sharing time and fear of sharing my Mistress's love with someone we both have history and feelings for. I know that shouldn't scare me, but should draw me closer. But sometimes the lizard brain outweighs the logical mind and you panic.

I worry that if I'm not the squeaky wheel (no pun intended) that I won't get the time and attention I have been getting, or that I'll be relegated to the background like an unused toy after Christmas. It's an illogical feeling, an illogical thought because I know it won't happen.

But it's happened before, which is why I sit here with tears in my eyes as I write this. I want nothing more than to make my Love happy. And secondary, I want nothing more than to make those I love happy. And I love all involved, including and especially my Love. So why is this tough for me? I don't know.

The best part of my day...

Was waking up early by accident and completely coincidentally getting to talk to my Love. She was so smiley and happy and giggly. It made my day to see her that way.

Feeling Like A Disappointment

I've realized in a long-distance relationship, even moreso than in a face-to-face one, that feeling like you've disappointed your Love is a bigger blow. I feel like no matter what I do it's not good enough, but what brought it to the surface last night was the conclusion to the story. I was accused of rushing, and perhaps that's a little true - I was tired and excited all at the same time.

But I also had a problem describing how I would like for my Love to please me, as opposed to vice versa. It just was blocked in my head, because I would like for her to take her pleasure where and how she sees fit.

Aside from that, I've just been feeling like I'm failing at being able to cheer her up. I want to make her life better in every single way that I can, and I feel like that's not something I'm able to do from this far away.

It's days like today I not only want to cry, but also want to run away and kidnap her and be with her and shelter her from all the bad things in life forever.

It also sucks that it's President's Day and the mail doesn't run, because her surprise would have reached her today.

Tag, You're It!

I kept missing my Love today. Every time I would hop on, she would hop off. I suspect she had a very bad day and I wish so badly I could make it better. Thinking of you. <3

Just a Little Something...

That I thought you should know.

I was asked tonight a "what if" question. If I could have anyone for my Valentine's day date besides David (who I was with), who would it be?

Without hesitation I said I would want you there.

<3

For my Love on this holiday

I know neither of us is having a good week/month/year so far, but on this holiday, I want you to know that you are loved from the very bottom of my heart.

How do You Know You Really Love Someone?

It seemed an appropriate topic given the season and something I wanted to let my Love know.

It isn't, as Valentine's day would suggest, about cards and flowers and gifts (although I did get one of the latter...unfortunately it won't arrive until well after the holiday. I hope my Love likes it.)

Knowing you love someone, really love them, is a lot like what the Velveteen Rabbit describes as becoming real - the person has seen you at your worst. With all your skin rubbed off and your hair coming loose. It might not be pretty, but it is what it is. Seeing all your scars and fresh wounds (both literally and figuratively) and saying "I don't care."

Knowing you love someone with all that you've got gives you a heady feeling, ignites butterflies in the pit of your stomach even though you've known them for years and years and years, through all the phases and stages, the mistakes and the triumphs.

Love is knowing that you'd like to take care of that person when they fall, and stand there with them (or behind them, as my case may be) when they succeed. Love is learning the ins and outs of the other person, and trusting them enough to be able to say "You're right." occasionally. When it merits. Every now and again. ;)

Love is knowing you'll always be there for the person, to fill a need or every need you possibly can, and, in the process, be willing to do anything for them.

I love you, my Dear. Don't ever doubt it.

The First Thing

Rolling over and tossing and turning in bed, my mind is frantic with all the things I have to get done and all the things I haven't done. My failures and triumphs of the day. And then, suddenly, my mind turns to you and all is calm.

I think of your eyes - such a beautiful color, set into the perfect face, sparkling like the most beautiful gems a girl could wear.

I think of your touch, the soft, tender caresses that I've felt only rarely. A touch here, a touch there. A touch that burns me to my core and one I hope to feel more often, a problem I hope to remedy.

I think of your laughter - a tinkling, high noise like bells calling me to worship at your feet. I would kneel and take penance, kneel and worship with as much exaltation as called on high just for you, my Love. The joy, the pain, the sadness and sorrow and ritual I grew up with in religion - it's all reflected in your presence.


You are my Goddess, and the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the last thing on my mind as I fall asleep.